”Has God forgotten everything I’ve done for him ?”
-Louis XIV
“Would you believe in what you believe in if you were the only one who believed it? ” –
Kanye West
It’s been a long time since I’ve seen what the stars have in store for you. And it’ll probably be better that way. So kids, hoard the food, grab the hatchets, clickers in hand and of course, no peaking. The alignment of your stars works best when you practice safety first – then you can be truly blinded by the horoscope of February, the month of love. Cupid was busy for a few minutes after he suddenly ended his day the way it started.
Since we are sticking with a theme here- we know he stabbed himself over a hundred thousand times thus rendering him useless for a millennial generation.
Up first and ready for the day, our Aquarius didn’t get the memo about the first step in staying alive. Instead, he downloaded the band famous for the quip – sadly you don’t need this month’s horoscope. Or any. Ever again.
Pisces is after you, unlucky asinine bastardized demigod, and we hope that he at least can read the tea leaves and then some . This planet is really in trouble.
Gemini’s you need to come together soon and unite for the better of life and then you can throw a bipolar bar mitzvah right at the end.
Cancer is gradient and turning in -the extended black scary demon infested way that everyone knows are not our friends -way. Yes, I’m going to call it now. You’ll be the death of me.
Virgo was my pick to die off first thing. Happy to say that I was planning the wrong mass burial and it’s highflying for help for you haha…
Libra you seem to be the lucky winner of this prize package: self-inflicted death by anime. That’s all I got. Sorry, I couldn’t make it any clearer but we’re chearing you on!
The saturnine Sagittarius is clearly not to eat anything that is not vegan, soy – free, dairy -free, gluten -free and nitrogen -free.
Leo, I’m going to stop and let you know that the scary monsters are the new kings of the jungle.
Aries is born to fly. But don’t look.
Well, that’s all I know. If I left any signs out, the reason is you don’t exist.
Have a great flight and thanks for flying the toxic skies!
Previously on My Fabulous Teenage Life As Archduchess of Austria, I received the news that I am betrothed to the grandson of Louis XV, whose court at Versailles is said to be the most wicked court in the world.
I know that you are already asking…
”I’m not sure how to spell out disaster any clearer but hey…did I mention that I’m charming and a hell of a dancer? ”- Marie Antoinette
It is a little stressful for me to be the best way to secure the longevity of one of the most important empires , (actually the only way ) so I do whatever other prepubescent heirs of supreme leaders throughout history do :
I scribble pretend letters to the next king in the Bourbon line of the most scandalous court in the world.
Dearest and soon to be beloved husband, I am happy to be able to practice dancing and music as part of my education to leave for France. I am quite sure that I will represent my country well. I am a natural at both. I am not sure it is etiquette to be boastful but I am also charming and graceful, I have a pleasing disposition and am light on my feet. This is what I have overheard. So I just am repeating lest you think I’m a vain, conceited braggart. I have been using French only at home to improve my use of my new language. I hope I improve as I have been working very hard to make a good impression on my new family. I am so happy to be your most affectionate and faithful, Marie A.
Today, I am a bit saddened by the news that I am not going to share lessons with Caroline anymore. I am to have a separate tutor from now on. I need special attention it seems. Dear mama has been in a constant state of anxious pecking and prodding as well as constantly reminding me of my duty to Austria that comes with my marriage. The importance of this alliance seems to rest solely on my own shoulders. I am a bit frightened by her intensity!
As the time of my departure to France nears, the first step in assuming the role of French Dauphine and future Queen is to renounce my own claim to the Holy Roman Empire. It seems that I go to France as a pauper with nothing of my own, but I don’t let that bother me at the young age of 14.
Marie Therese, the mother of Marie Antoinette, was Empress to the Holy Roman Empire due to the reformation of Salic Law by her father Charles VI, prior to her birth. This Reformation meant that females in their own right could succeed to the throne, ensuring that the monarchy would continue in the event of no male heir. Even though it was highly unlikely, as Marie Antoinette was the youngest daughter of 16 (only 9 of her siblings survived past the age of 18), the future Queen of France could have inherited the Austrian throne. Therefore, Marie Antoinette was required to renounce this claim to the Hapsburg dynasty prior to marriage.
So just like that and just like every other girl who is moving away from home to get married, I sign away my revered and prominent bloodline in the name of the monarchy, get hitched to a pimply and shy stranger the very next day and lose part of my soul. Now, I am French, with no dog, and bored to tears. I miss my mother, my best friend and sister Caroline and I have to speak to people I don’t like. Now you tell me, is this what I signed up for?
I don’t think so.
I am going to try something new and exciting..at least for me. I love history and especially the French Revolution. Who doesn’t love cake and Marie Antoinette? I have to be the first to say that her hairstyles were to die for. So wouldn’t it be fun to guess what the horoscopes for the court and it’s glamorous entourage would say on a certain day? I have an idea what they should say so I hope you enjoy this.
The setting for today’s horoscopes is France, more specifically Versailles. The year is 1770. Your future king is Louis XVI and your future queen is a charming and frivolous young woman who will later be affectionately called ”the Austrian woman. ” Her Christian name is Marie Antonia Josepha Johanna and her mother is the ruler of the Holy Roman Empire. AKA Marie Therese of the Hapsburg dynasty who is a big deal. So while the future Queen of France is clearly of a bloodline to be feared and revered, she is still a foreigner and the majority of this court resents this.
Now the little archduchess is married to the King of France’s grandson, Louis Auguste. But Austria and France are not really good friends. Actually, they are enemies. How does a marriage between the two come about, you ask? Even though the Empress of Austria has long been an enemy of France, she decides to overlook the fact that she hates the Sun King and his whole country-in the name of furthering Austria’s political power. And she hates England even more .Oh, and the little Archduchess is now called Marie Antoinette ( the French variation of Antonia ) and she is the Dauphine of France.
On this day in the worldly and wicked court of the most extravagant King Louis XV, the gossip is ”will she or won’t she ?” The ”she ” in question is your dainty princess and the question is whether or not she will address the most powerful person in court today -as it not only demanded by protocol but crucial for the Princess’s longevity. I should add that to the childish little Austrian who has a very impressive bloodline,been a student of Gluck, hosted Mozart (and a veritable list of powdered wig wearing bigwigs), this is simply déclassé. The future Queen is not having any of this – she refuses to acknowledge the person who would have been a good friend to have.
“Sois proche de tes amis, et encore plus proche des tes ennemis.”
But I guess she will learn.
Who is this controversial figure ,you ask? We’ll find out in a few minutes. As for the other principal players in this game of royal roulette. Let me introduce the more famous ones.
First, we have the present and pompous King of France. Louis XV , he is a wily one that has the outward charm of a courtesan. However, the fact is he is a King and expects obedience. The king was born on September 5, 1638, which makes him a Virgo. This morning he read his horoscope and smiled:
The next key components are Mesdames Tantes, The three aunts of the king are sweet and helpful to our future little queen…or are they? Sophie, Adelaide, Victoire are not reticent in the affairs of the court – the sisters are far from it. When they see an opportunity and of course they do -when young Antoinette voices her displeasure and disgust at the kings’ mistress, they snatch it. At last a chance for revenge in the form of the little Austrian puppet. Oh, by the way, I hear the spinsters are quite religious- so no guidance from the stars in sight.
The other Princes of the Blood Royal seem like the the polite and doting brother in laws to the innocent Dauphine, who thinks everyone loves her. Do they, though? The Duke D’Orleans seems kind enough to his “little sister” –in person. I guess that he thinks it is in her best interest to indulge her gambling and dancing proclivities. But that is another story.
I am thinking his horoscope was a little like this :
The poor Dauphin is next, he too has a penchant for sweetmeats and is painfully shy. Even though his birthday on August 23, 1754, which makes him a Leo -he is not in the least like a lion. Painfully shy and awkward, he prefers watches to people. I think the tick-tock of his beloved timepieces could be a warning of his future- on the chopping block.
Sadly, the future King mistook his horoscope written on a bit of parchment for a bib and wiped his face with it at breakfast. Luckily we bribed a servant to fetch it. I hear it said:
What a happy and glorious day at court it is today. Who is the striking and rather gauche beauty in the the the elaborate dress? She smirks at the whispering crowds. The people have gathered here in hope that they will be a part of the royal drama today. Because this woman is Madame DuBarry, the king’s mistress and the most powerful figure at the court of Versailles.She is no shrinking violet and doesn’t like to be snubbed, especially by a 14-year-old girl. The Dubarry is obviously a Leo, born on August 19, 1743, and she didn’t get to her position by being a doormat.Her forecast for today is:
I am hoping that the lovely girlish and sadly naive Dauphine hooses wisely. I have to admit that it doesn’t look like it today as she is not stepping forward to greet the DuBarry as she is called. Is this the first time in history that the royal mistress has dictated the rules? Let’s see what happens next. The Dauphine is pulled away by the king’s sisters just as his mistress approaches, whisking her away.
The shocked court will have to wait another time to witness this catty drama but will there be enough cake to eat ? Or did the future queen give it to the peasants? Stay tuned and find out.
I hope this was a good read and I would appreciate any and all feedback on it.
*Please note that I am not a historian and I hope you will be tolerant of any errors or omissions. This is a fictional piece and is not intended to be otherwise.
King Henry the Eighth has become the victim of yet another Tinder date gone wrong .
“His sperm is dead, infection in leg has made him crazy in the head and Anne isn’t the first Bolyen he’s spread…”
– some wench not named Mary
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A little history is in order for my latest dive into one of my favorite things in world. Someone once said to “write what you love ” and what I love is interesting women in history. I’m a little bit of a Marie Antoinette fangirl… so much that I am starting a sort of a modernized journal/court gossip column sorts from her viewpoint and others . Think of the modern Marie like a Katy Perry meets Chelsea Clinton . With the attitude of Cher in Clueless.
