Categories
entertainment fiction humor short story

NYE


Today’s forecast is brought to you by ”Chips Fine Foods” who want to be your first choice for gourmet cuisine ”.

“What do you have for our weather, John? I hope not more of the same because frankly, it has sucked .”

“I hear you, Jim! And fingers crossed it’s going to be a beautiful next few days with sunny skies, light southerly winds and –
-wait for it – because this is exciting, – plenty of oxygen with a low chance of dying by alien attacks. John, that is exciting! I don’t know how you do it but that’s an outstanding weather outlook for our viewers. “. “Everyone watching at home, let’s give a shout out to John for the great news!


Channel 6 is experiencing technical difficulties at the moment but will be right back as soon as possible.





“Janice? Are you watching the news? That weatherman with the fabulous hair and glowing skin was giving the most pleasant conditions you could ever imagine and then poof – I kid you not – he disappeared! Yes! I saw it too! Just a puff of smoke before he vanished..actually, it did seem his forecast is wrong now that you mention it .”


“What? I hope not. We can’t lose anymore weatherman, that would be our 5th one this year. Yes, I agree with you, haha but it’s something that you would have been used to doing the weather forecast, it just boggles my mind how much they can be wrong and get away with it. Can you imagine how long I would’ve gotten away with being right only 45 percent of the time? Yes, I agree that humans have too many fingers and toes and they don’t need all of them but you try telling them that. “


“Hello? Dan, here returning your call. I am sorry to hear that you were abducted by aliens but you still are expected to be here on time for work tonight. That’s not an excused absence- I have a business to run and if I let you miss a day for that, I’d have to let everyone do it. I have no doubt you will figure out how to handle the situation and I’ll see you tonight with bells on. “


“Dad? I guess you got the message that I got sent to the principal’s office and.. you didn’t? Oh well, it’s not really a big deal and I’m really calling to tell you that I’m not going back to school this morning. Why? Well, it’s the weirdest thing. I’ve been abducted by aliens. Dad. I know you said I would be grounded for eternity if I made up another abduction to skip chores but I’m not lying about it. It’s for real this time and it’s looking like I am not doing chores for a very long time.”


“Yes, has my husband been in the office today? He’s not answering my calls. No, I’m not going to call the motel and see if he’s there. I already drove by and his truck wasn’t in the parking lot. Actually, no vehicles were there now that I think about it .”


“Karen, are we still on for the party tonight at the club? Oh ok, well, don’t breathe too deeply honey and I’m sure you will be fine. Yes, I suppose you need to stay inside and rest if you’re already wheezing. Too bad you are going to miss out on the hot guy I wanted to introduce to you too. He’s not a space cadet loser like we’re used to eating .”


“911. What’s your emergency? “

“Yes. I’m not sure. “

“Ma’am is there something wrong?“

“Well, there’s a lot wrong but I’m not sure where to start .”

“Ma’am, do you need an ambulance or something? Are you bleeding to death? On fire? Spontaneously combusting or about to? “


“Can’t you hear that? “


“Ma’am, please state your emergency.? “


“Well there is, I know it sounds crazy but there’s a spaceship above my house. “


“Ma’am, you’ll have to call the “not a real emergency number “for all and any other problems that human society considers life-threatening except for the three previously stated. All planetary issues including atmospheric conditions, oxygen suffocation and hydrocephalus caused by parasites or other organisms as well as alien abductions – they are handled by another department. “


“… I can send you an informative pamphlet that will help you figure out if you have an actual emergency or are just wasting our time .”


Now back to the guys who know it all (except for the weather )…..


” Good evening, Jim. It’s a glorious oxygen-depleted day outside with high levels of hydrogen, little to no carbon dioxide…
and unless you are one of the few hundred people who have been beamed up by Scotty or one of the sensitive ones who need the atmosphere of a habitable planet,
It looks to be a great night to ring in the new year. Do you have any big plans, Jim?”
Yes, but it’s up in the air at the moment John so let’s check in with Sam who is keeping an eye on the skies as this evening gets started.”

Greetings to my friends and family from Eye in the Sky Live and it’s also the last time you’ll see me this year if you didn’t know that already. Traffic is light this evening and I’m going to guess that most people are staying home tonight due to the weather .”

”Gladys, are you watching the news by any chance? Well, I see. Sorry to hear about your herd of cows but this is the end of the world as we know it. Oh no, you didn’t mention that Fred was also taken by the same ship – are you sad about the cows or sad that Fred was abducted?
I would definitely agree that the cows were more than adorable Yes, I totally agree that Fred was a jerk…

It’s time to count down to the new year … and alien with the new out with the ol …Oklahoma sky ..”


”Is someone going to tell him those aren’t the right words to the song, noooooo?
Oh no , I’m, signing off.”  

The End 

  
 

Categories
fiction

The DEADline


From the directors of The Ring comes a horrifying sequel that is sure to be write up your alley …
Categories
Lifestyle

The Tree


You were just a tree

Until I hired them to hack on thee

Now I am startled by the way your trunk resembles the

Grotesque limbs I saw in a horror movie

I hope it was just

An anomaly

But it was with such joy and happiness and relief to see

The job was complete

Leaving me without that creepy tree

That resembled much too

Closely

The one in the film (which it’s twin

Had to be…)

The monstrous and horrible thing…

in Poltergeist