You hate to be kind
I didn’t cry
I’m hurt feelings
and your feelings
It’s ok but it’s been
too much work
A la Carte
and she disappointed her wits with the end
Auvoir has come again
…of sweet goodbyes
“I’m just wondering where the pirates are.”
An insider said “the Pope seemed like he was genuinely confused after Trump asked for Vatican intervention on the wall – and then we all laughed .”
It’s time for the holidays and so naturally , it’s time to talk about relatives .There comes a point where you have to decide what’s more important . Good relations with your relations or your sanity . Because I’ve decided you can’t have both .
If you have a wonderfully functioning family like I do , you’ll understand that it didn’t happen overnight .Peace, love and joy don’t just happen , you have to make them happen. Here’s a few tips on dealing with the stress of the season and keeping out of family squabbles .
Since just about the entire human race depends on Instagram , Twitter , Facebook and CNN to give us accurate , timely news ,my first tip is so simple a Geico caveman can do it .
Delete your loved ones . No , not permanently. I’m not a psychopath .I’m talking about delete them online . Get rid of all family on social media and blame it on a hacker. This is probably the easiest solution when dealing with serious drama like ” you know I think Uncle Dave’s turkey was too dry last year , don’t you agree ?” or “Aunt Mabel ,you know ugly Christmas sweater karaoke was my idea “. By being out of the loop , you’ll be really surprised when Uncle Eddie corrals you into the Reynolds Redneck Christmas video that he is planning to spam the entire planet with.
Fake amnesia . A little harder to pull off but any good actor can summon the forgetful and oblivious spirit we all have deep inside .
Start every family conversation with a disclaimer . That way you won’t be liable for anything you say or do . It’s not your fault for hurting Aunt Bessie Sue’s feelings after all . She was warned that nobody likes her green bean casserole and your disclaimer will remind her . Politely .
These are really the only options you have when dealing with” Tis the Season” craziness . Or the only options that make any sense at all.
When faced with A:Knowing about your death for the entire holiday season and agonizing over it or B. Being blissfully unaware until the annihilation, I’d go with the second option everytime.
My last tip is the most important one . This is to print the waiver that you’ve carefully worded to include any all possible scenarios for the actual day and bring a lot of copies . Have each relative sign it before you even so much as hug them and obviously before you compliment them on the ugly sweater you forgot to wear . This waiver will state that because you were hacked , have amnesia and started all conversations with a disclaimer ,that you can’t be blamed for anything .
This is called going the extra mile to extradite yourself from this ridiculousness . You’ll have to get creative here but you can do it when you consider the consequences …
Like singing bass when you’re really a tenor ,in your family’s ugly Christmas sweater singing and dancing extravaganza. Coming to a YouTube near you thanks to dear old Uncle Eddie .
I hope this has been helpful and given you hope for this joyous time of year . Because the struggle is real but it doesn’t have to be.
How do you make a vampire cow’s milk into cheese?
A process called Bloodcurdling.
Once upon a time
There was a world that was sublime
with fig leaves galore
Even at the general store
And anything but apples were the daily core
Of everybody’s diet
But like all women you know
There was one in the garden
Who ignored the word “No”
Didn’t care to obey
And liked to talk to snakes
And got her man into a lot of trouble
Because she was denying the obvious she deceived the dubious
Her motto and deemed creed :
“Instructions are for Adam’s but
Not for Eve’s”
“Why ,why ,why ,” she’d cry
“I like that tree but I’m not allowed to eat
Or even have a pet
Of the slithery set
And that became her battle cry
“Oh why ,god ,why ”
Poor Adam went deaf with
One rib less , then started to see red
Apples to apples were a catalyst
That eventually accumulated
in a watershed
of liquid depth and people said
“Somebody needs to build an ark”
But that’s another story….
Everyone knew that
The god of the sea would be
Fiercely strident with his trident
Is there anyone who wants to go
head to head and be his foe ?
Not me , Neptune
Not me !
I’m just another chicken
In this rough sea…