I learned that I am going to be French today. I guess you think congratulations are in order. I suppose . I mean, you probably think I’m the luckiest girl in the world. When you’re an archduchess -of The HOLY ROMAN FREAKING EMPIRE- no less, it’s pretty much a given that you’ll get a decent marriage. Especially when your mama is a bombass Empress who has no idea how to be anything less than fantastic. Throw in a king who is not playing by mama’s rules ( King George III of England )and the youngest daughter(me) who needs a powerful alliance (aka marriage) and voila … you have a new home in the most important, elegant and notoriously extravagant court in all Europe. France.
I’m not really a fan of politics or alliances or anything that has no fun in it but I hear that Mama hates the French. So why did she ship me in her words “straight to the lion’s den ?” To France -a land of the most wicked king in the world?
Well, simply put it it’s that my mama hates the English even more than she hates the French king, a pompous prig whose name is Louis XV who in turn hates old George III as well so there you go -and, it’s the only logical solution. The enemies of your enemies are your friends. I think that’s how it goes. But I’m not really sure what it means other than that I am going to France. Quite the honor, you see .
What could possibly go wrong?
Absolutely everything. I’m 13 and 41 minutes old, to be exact and I’m exactly what I’m supposed to be. Young, frivolous and carefree. I love dogs and dancing. I am a happy and naive girl that is the hope of the Hapburg dynasty.
Who am I, you ask?
Oops, you mean I didn’t properly introduce myself? My name is Maria Antonia Josepha but you can call me Marie Antoinette.
I feel like you need this post. I feel like I need this post. Maybe I just want to feel like I saved you, just like the guy in a Taylor Swift song. Whatever the reason, the fact remains the same : Friends don’t let friends write while distracted. Read on and if nothing else, humor me.
I am a distracted writer. It’s the reason I haven’t written lately. I’m so distracted by anything going on around me that I get absolutely nothing down on paper. The simple journey from my brain to the outside world is made into a death-spiraling vortex of nothingness because I get distracted. Then before I know it, it’s like I drank from the waters of the Lethe because I don’t remember what inspired me. Today ,I am changing that because I’m writing a post from start to finish without stopping. Just to let my number one enemy in being productive know that it’s over.I’ll call it the Kanye of writing. Here’s my do’s and don’ts to stop this madness and get to what you love -Writing.
We have all been there. No matter what your intentions were this morning or at midnight, remember that the road to hell was paved with good ones, too. Great thoughts are easily lost in space when you let yourself be interrupted by another person, place or thing. The following phrases are my mantra for these problems. I’d say they were tried and true but in all reality, I just thought of them.
Don’t be a Kanye and let Taylor finish. Don’t be a Taylor and let Kanye interrupt.
Now how do you do this, you ask? It’s easy. Channel your inner Ozzy and shut yourself in the pantry -only do it intentionally. For you young ones out there, check the clip out below and you’ll get it, I promise. Actually the following may or may not contain the memorable scene as I got distracted while looking for it and this is a post about fighting writing distraction. In any case, the message is the same.
Put your phone up. Put your dog up. Put your kids up. Put your husband up. Or put yourself up.
Be an Ozzy and remember why you are in the pantry.
Don’t be a Sharon and let Ozzy out of the pantry.
Now, I admit the pantry might not be the best place to find solitude. I prefer my shut yourself walk-in closet, with its comforting plush carpet and racks of beautiful designer shoes and purses. What did you expect from me? Sorry, I let Kim Kardashian take over my thoughts for a second.
The point is that you need solitude and that place can be anywhere you can find it.
Next let’s address those two words that bring a shudder of knowing empathy and horror to writers everywhere, Writer’s Block.
I’ve struggled with this mainly because I let myself. I thought I was supposed to have it. At least occasionally. So I invited it. Like Jonathan Harker walking into Dracula’s castle, I entered the portal to writer’s block freely and of my own will. I’m telling you that you don’t have to allow this bloodletting. So put the term writers’ block out of your mind by using whatever form of mental garlic that is effective for you. For me, it’s word prompts weekly writing challenges or even crossword puzzles. These instantly stimulate me, and I feel like I have become a better writer from them as well.
Next, and an essential part of the process for me is to be constant and consistent in the writing process. This goes back to the distraction issue. Writing time is not the time to use new writing software or a program that you are just learning. If you are struggling, stick with one that you feel comfortable with or go back to what you started writing your blog posts on in the beginning. I started my blog over a year ago on my iPhone, and I’m finishing this post on it now. I’ll go back and edit on my laptop, but writing on my phone stops me from trying to edit as I write. What was that, you cry? You said to put your phone up. I meant you need to limit the distractions and focus. You get the gist so stop being so literal and listen to my last bit of basic af knowledge already.
Sometimes the most crucial for me at least is to take a break from all things deemed social media every once and a while. I just did this, and it seems to have rejuvenated me. Hopefully, it lasts. If not, then I will retreat to my pantry/ closet with none to distract me, do some wordy things like prompts and challenges, and I almost forgot – take a favorite book with me. When all else fails, reading a favorite book is the cure for the non -writing blues.
I love to hear from my readers. What are some of your go-to, favorite books? Leave them in the comments section below! If you couldn’t tell, one of mine is Bram Stoker’s Dracula.
Until next time, thanks for reading and subscribing to my blog!
A little history is in order for my latest dive into one of my favorite things in world. Someone once said to “write what you love ” and what I love is interesting women in history. I’m a little bit of a Marie Antoinette fangirl… so much that I am starting a sort of a modernized journal/court gossip column sorts from her viewpoint and others . Think of the modern Marie like a Katy Perry meets Chelsea Clinton . With the attitude of Cher in Clueless.
Next week…. I was informed that I cannot go into Paris yet . But I’m not allowed to complain, as it’s an honor to be introduced to the city and given the key by the Parisian Mayor himself. Whatever!
Previously on Real Housewives of Versailles, the newly minted Dauphine of France, Marie Antoinette, was making waves by throwing some serious shade at one lady who wasn’t putting up with that nonsense.
Last we heard, our little Austrian was about to make her mama proud by speaking to Madame Dubarry, the king’s mistress and most powerful woman in court. The whole court is betting it’s as dramatic as the events leading up to this unprecedented event. Gossip mongers hint that the French Dauphine had to be stronglyencouragedto acknowledge King Louis XIV’s mistress. This is unheard of, making it very clear that Madame DuBarry rules at Versailles. What words will our beloved blunderbuss Marie A. bestow upon the favorite of the king?
We don’t have to wait long for the “Made to Shop ” future queen of France, to toss the tea at her much older frenemy, the much more experienced and linguistically talented Madame Dubarry.
The court is live streaming from the Hall of Mirrors. Let’s catch up on the drama unfolding as we speak.
@versailles99…The Dauphine said hello or something like that and now everyone’s favorite cake loving Austrian, Maria Josepha Antonia or Marie Antoinette to the Frenchies is soo done by the look on her face. She’s not even trying to hide her distaste. But look at her fab hair! It has to be at least 3 feet high! What a great hairpiece! Is that a real bird in there?
“I think I said something stupid like “wow, look at all the people here today! That woman looked at me like she was disappointed. I guess she was expecting a little more than that. ”
-Marie Antoinette, Dauphine and Future Queen and Daughter of the Holy Roman Empire itself
@MsMarieAntoinette92…I’m glad I didn’t know that she was really expecting us to be friends now or maybe I would have been like I’m sorry. but you can’t sit with us. Like ever.”
@MsMarieAntoinette92…I can say that, amirite? I’m going to be a Queen, oui?
@mamatherese98 … I see that you are learning about etiquette and how to make friends at court even when you hate them! Look how well it’s worked for me.
@MadameDBarry: That’s right! Recognize the favorite of the king. That little twit can go back to Australia. Or Austria. Or Even better, Antartica.
@versailles99…So now that we know what to expect in the French court regarding the feud of the woman who acts like a Queen but is not feeling the love from the newcomer … a little foreigner who has bad hair and a stupid laugh. I heard that Marie Antoinette has been to the king himself crying over his displeasure and that he was considering breaking the alliance with Austria but needs the money. I’m told that he has never liked to confront problems but chooses to be charming while insisting that his orders will be obeyed.
A far cry from Mother Austria aka Marie Therese who is known for a more hardcore approach to ruling and doesn’t believe in mincing words. Am I right in the assumption that this one disastrous alliance? The marriage of the two polar opposites can only mean one thing -that the British are laughing instead of crying in their tea right now.
Until next week, auvoir! I’m sure we haven’t heard the last of this dignified catfight …
It’s time for the holidays and so naturally , it’s time to talk about relatives .There comes a point where you have to decide what’s more important . Good relations with your relations or your sanity . Because I’ve decided you can’t have both .
If you have a wonderfully functioning family like I do , you’ll understand that it didn’t happen overnight .Peace, love and joy don’t just happen , you have to make them happen. Here’s a few tips on dealing with the stress of the season and keeping out of family squabbles .
Since just about the entire human race depends on Instagram , Twitter , Facebook and CNN to give us accurate , timely news ,my first tip is so simple a Geico caveman can do it .
Delete your loved ones . No , not permanently. I’m not a psychopath .I’m talking about delete them online . Get rid of all family on social media and blame it on a hacker. This is probably the easiest solution when dealing with serious drama like ” you know I think Uncle Dave’s turkey was too dry last year , don’t you agree ?” or “Aunt Mabel ,you know ugly Christmas sweater karaoke was my idea “. By being out of the loop , you’ll be really surprised when Uncle Eddie corrals you into the Reynolds Redneck Christmas video that he is planning to spam the entire planet with.
Fake amnesia . A little harder to pull off but any good actor can summon the forgetful and oblivious spirit we all have deep inside .
Start every family conversation with a disclaimer . That way you won’t be liable for anything you say or do . It’s not your fault for hurting Aunt Bessie Sue’s feelings after all . She was warned that nobody likes her green bean casserole and your disclaimer will remind her . Politely .
These are really the only options you have when dealing with” Tis the Season” craziness . Or the only options that make any sense at all.
When faced with A:Knowing about your death for the entire holiday season and agonizing over it or B. Being blissfully unaware until the annihilation, I’d go with the second option everytime.
My last tip is the most important one . This is to print the waiver that you’ve carefully worded to include any all possible scenarios for the actual day and bring a lot of copies . Have each relative sign it before you even so much as hug them and obviously before you compliment them on the ugly sweater you forgot to wear . This waiver will state that because you were hacked , have amnesia and started all conversations with a disclaimer ,that you can’t be blamed for anything .
This is called going the extra mile to extradite yourself from this ridiculousness . You’ll have to get creative here but you can do it when you consider the consequences …
Like singing bass when you’re really a tenor ,in your family’s ugly Christmas sweater singing and dancing extravaganza. Coming to a YouTube near you thanks to dear old Uncle Eddie .
I hope this has been helpful and given you hope for this joyous time of year . Because the struggle is real but it doesn’t have to be.