I am, I am, I am

” I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart: I am, I am, I am.”

-Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

She was my brave Esther and I had her back. Even if she was dead.

It was on a Monday that I decided that I hated Ted Hughes because my muse Sylvia Plath had stuck her head in an oven and died.  He refused to share her unfinished work, which was a very mean thing to do since he was the reason she died in the first place.
Having idolized Sivvy since I was like 5 or 15, I was naturally protective of her. Even if she was dead.
I was livid when Mr. Hughes was named Poet Laureate in 1984. It seemed unfair, to say the least. It didn’t matter to me if he was a highly distinguished and gifted poet.
The beloved and beatific master of poetic license was in actuality a murderous, proud monster who would be Poet Laureate until he died.  I decided to start a ” We hate Ted”club. We would drink Earl Grey in dainty tea cups with cucumber sandwiches and scones on Saturday afternoons at 2 while refusing to read his work.I wanted to hate you, Mr. Hughes.  I couldn’t.

It was another dreaded, morbidly correct Monday that I bought “Ariel’s Gift: Ted Hughes, Sylvia Plath and the Story of the Birthday Letters”.

When I dug deeper, I found an unexpected treasure. Along with profound sorrow, understanding, and respect for the man I had talked myself into hating- without even giving him a chance.

I hadn’t imagined the weight of holding your wife’s unseen manuscripts, unable to move from the limbo that was your purgatory.  Literary agent and legal (though estranged) spouse did not make a happy couple.  Not terribly surprising -but it surprised me still. What transformed you into my eyes, Mr. Hughes was the revelation that you didn’t seem to care so much about protecting yourself as you did shelter your children and Sylvia’s mother, Aurelia.  Sylvia style was so blatantly confessional and painfully honest, it couldn’t help but sting. I like to paint you as the true romantic who saw no need to torment them with the prelude to the only release Sylvia had left: A legacy of herself thrown into print, disturbingly poignant, brilliant and perfect.

Please forgive me, Ted Hughes. You were silent when hounded and accused.  Dragged through the mires and still – you remained stoic and strong. Your perceived guilt was of no essence to you. You were loyal, fiercely protective and the much-needed voice of reason.

Old, despicable Ted –  an anomaly in a sea of fame, power and copyrights.  You chose the fiery path right through the gates of hell – where you were the villain in Sylvia Plath’s history books.

I bought “The Birthday Letters ”  on a warm Saturday- a sunny, balmy, glorious Saturday when the air is the sweetest. The title was so happy, just reading it made me sad.   The previous script was a wash of clarity with a voice that soothed, as it transversed through my world.  Down the path of a multifaceted gem, it will never be dulled by time.

Once written, words become immortal. As are you. As are you both.

About me , ad nauseum

Writing has always been cathartic to me.A bittersweet balm on the gaping wound that presented itself as life. I guess I was born with a flair for melodrama. Not that surprising for a child whose grandmother sang Italian opera.

I wanted to be Linda Ronstadt when I was four or five .Walking around the house like a miniature drunk, stumbling into the walls -I couldn’t see where I was going with an album cover over my face.

Now I wonder if that was merely child’s play or preparation for true adulting. In the way that as adults, we pretend to be anything but who we really are.

Why do we feel that our authentic selves are meant to be hidden? Am I the only one who thinks this way?

Writing turned from my most beloved friend to an imaginary one. When I try to write, it sounds hollow. The only time I am my authentic self is when I let my thoughts explode on paper.

That is the goal I set for myself today. To let my constant churning find it’s home without the inner screaming voice of criticism.

The confusion of delusion

It’s been three months since I killed my Facebook. I won’t lie – it wasn’t my idea . I was forced to .My sanity and self worth demanded it.
When the pain of losing the valuable friendships I’d made with people I didn’t know and having to block some that I did ( no , you don’t get details) finally subsided , I made an astonishing discovery.
I was amazed at how much of a soul sucker it had been. Without the stress of wondering if any of my posts were liked or if I had been unfriended by someone I didn’t even know, I felt amazingly light. It was time to discover myself.
With so much time on my hands , I just knew it was my chance to do some deep soul searching. Who was I ? Why am I here? Do aliens exist? Does my dog really like me or is her behavior just a highly evolved form of manipulation designed to provide her with Maslow’s hierchy of needs? What shade of red was Taylor Swift wearing in her internet breaking new video ?
My self -help train wreck didn’t have a designated stop for instructions or how to apply the brakes. If it did , I was too busy juicing to notice it.
Lymphatic cleansings , heavy metal testing and no gluten, soy or life… had left me empty.
Like really empty- the kind that can’t even. Can’t even . Like I can’t even believe that I would ever use such vulgar terminology. I used to have a vocabulary that wasn’t banal, insipid and let’s face it – uninspiredly wretched.
Is this who I really was ? Just a pseudointellectual , a decidedly unclever being who liked nontrendy trends , one who actually read Sylvia Plath and listened to Lana Del Rey?
Unpretentiously I knew that I was deeper than that . Maybe new lipstick would help.
I’m not a makeup fiend who has to have whatever is on my Instagram . So , I bought the most delicious tube of happy – one that I had been drooling over .
Yes, that one. Anastasia of Beverly Hills in Smoke. It was a dreamy , darkly stormy haze that reminded me of tornadoes and Grapevine Fires. I couldn’t believe that it wasn’t sold out in stores everywhere- it was the only shade any respectable Nightwalker would be caught dead in. I was drolly estastic. Where had this color been? The teenage goth girl I used to be rejoiced. They didn’t make this hue of dismal abyss when I actually coveted it.
At this point enters my oh -so clever, witty and mostly delightful daughter. She cooed jealously over this holy grail of instant gratification while trying it on. ” I might need to borrow this for Halloween, I’m going as Anne Boleyn.” Of course she is . There goes my costume .
You have by now surmised that new lipstick changed nothing. At least not this time. Now Speak Up, Taylor. I need to know who makes that perfect red.

The almost total eclipse

The date is somewhere before the beginning of life on our planet and somewhere after the death of intelligent life on our planet.

Starting at 6:00 am I did yoga while drinking coffee, fed the dog,drank more coffee , contemplated the meaning of life and eradicated world hunger .  I know, right … Sometimes I even amaze myself.

I read my newsfeed because I don’t want to be the only person who doesn’t know who Trump fired from his staff,  who North Korea is threatening next and who Taylor Swift is dating this week.

I know what you are thinking. How can anyone be so perfectly adept at handling the stresses of life without missing a beat?

I pride myself on multitasking so I already knew that Taylor Swift had all of her social media and and posted a cryptic message somewhat akin to hieroglyphics on Twitter before signing off .

The Total Eclipse of Taylor Swift had a sad amount of mascara, eyeliner and awful makeup. It also wasted precious minutes of my life while I obsessed over the million dollar question . All the while keeping a ridiculous amount of fangirls ,haters and everyone (except for my mother and husband)talking.

For those who live in a cave, under a rock or were raised by wolves; Taylor Swift is the most amazing, beautiful serial dater who also sings the songs that she writes about the ones who piss her off.

My feed had been blowing up with the mysterious doings of T. Swift and her posse. One of her people made a quite obscurely vague comment of how “she was definitely up to something.”

With Trump, the eclipse, AND then @taylorswift13 falling off the face of the social earth….I'm starting to think we're in the apocalpse

— Erin Robinson (@ErinRobinson) August 21, 2017

Clearly I wasn’t ready to be part of the Swiftie Squad.
Then as swiftly as Kim Kardashian’s sex tape accidentally leaked all over the internet, CHAOS broke loose.

Taylor Swift trying to one up the Solar Eclipse is the most Taylor Swift move of all time. Back on that bullshit.

— Big Cat (@BarstoolBigCat) August 21, 2017

Evidently those in the know …knew exactly what was up.

https://twitter.com/austinctweets/status/900472909243846657

So when my daughter called, she got really lucky.  I  had already had a pot of coffee and even read the big news .  I still was so perplexed about why anyone cared about Taylor Swift. She  let me in on the inner secrets of the fan girl obsessed world.  She was so excited about this epic event that I was slightly alarmed.

Sorry eclipse that only happens every hundred years, Taylor Swift called and said you're canceled.

— Becca (@itsbecca13) August 21, 2017

When I killed my Facebook, no one noticed. Guess it’s different when you are the phenonemom known as T. Swift  because it means everything….

Because now there is the theory that a new album is about to be dropped ..Suddenly, the Swifties have concluded that it will happen on August 21st and the new release will be uniquely named Eclipse.

In later news:

https://goo.gl/aw58f9

Taylor Swift Eclipsing the Eclipse Is the Ultimate Power Move – Zimbio

Dr. Stephen Hawking said he wasn’t aware that TS had fully developed this technology. President Trump remarked that he hoped she didn’t sell it to North Korea.

Panic at the Cardio

Scene: At the hospital. Waiting on calcium cardiac score test .  I down the last of my vodka with just a splash of OJ.  Just kidding.  I always put it in my coffee.

I’m not having the test . I should have specified that from the beginning. It’s my husband that’s having it.
My husband is the only one who has ever had one besides …everyone else who has ever had one. Naturally, we are terrified.
He is not a happy camper. He is grumpy. Oh wait… that’s putting it nicely. He’s not in a good mood. See how charitable I’m being? He is really ,really HORRIBLE.  AND….
Suddenly I can’t read. That’s what he said.
I was illiterate . His words exactly.

It’s not even my fault that google maps took us to the United Way , this was obviously not the hospital .I know I put the correct address in.  I  just put on my best “bless your heart” face and do some imaginary yoga.
The reason for my sugar sweet demeanor was not because that is my normal . I don’t like being fake nice . Because that is ugly . God knows what I’m really thinking and he doesn’t like hypocrites. At least I think he doesn’t.

I’m keeping it calm because he doesn’t need to be stressed out more than he already is. I feel his pain on a cellular level.

Secretly I worry and blame myself for any and all issues regarding his health and sanity.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=extra&utm_source=search-

Back to my whining.

Existentially  , I am just supposed to be silent, present and all knowing. Basically just like God.  The three O”s . I remember them like a chant from Christian school . Omnipotent,  omnipotent and omnipresent. I don’t say a word. That was really hard.