September Horror-scopes

For those of you who are interested in the world of the unknown and the mysterious ways of the unseen, I ask you to consider this : Your horoscope (especially if you are in a scary movie )should be helpful, right? I agree. Well ,my friends and perhaps even foe, you can sit back and take your shoes off, have a drink and above all ,don’t worry. I have your back. Read on and don’t look behind you.

But first, a word from our sponsors :

The following is brought to you by Texas Chainsaw Massacre Friends and Family Alumni Association. That is, it would be -if they were alive.

Aries: You are hungry today but avoid the meat market at all costs. Jupiter in your life cycle has a destructive power that you can avoid as long as you stay vegan.

Capricorn:  Despite the way you try to ignore the people who love you, it is especially important that you don’t start paying attention to them now. Stay away and stay alive.

Gemini: Venus and Mars in the upper right corner of a lunar season will help you stay strong and luck is in there, hopefully- you need it.

Pisces: You are on a roll today. A sushi roll. Mercury in retrograde will help you keep swimming.

Virgo: Now is not the time to relax in a hot bath with a good book and a glass of wine. Lock the doors and hide.

Libra: Neptune is somewhat dormant this month so you’re on your own. Don’t waste time compromising with crazy relatives and save your breath for when you need it.

Sagittarius: A move to Siberia might be advisable right now.

Taurus: Listening to rumors about the people who live in the hills is not only a really bad movie but your best option today.

Cancer: A word of warning to you is to see what happens to the other signs that aren’t listening to their horoscopes.

Leo: I don’t see anything good in your stars today. PS: don’t buy that lipstick. You won’t need it.

Aquarius: With Pluto on the dark side of the moon this month,it is a total eclipse for you.

Scorpio: The sun is not in the cards for you this month. Concern yourself with survival. Oh, and about that midnight snack you will want tonight, it’s the last thing you need. Stay away from the kitchen and go to sleep.

Next month will be killer so I expect your undivided appendix… I mean attention.

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