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entertainment humor Lifestyle

The Daily Whine


Just got on social media to see what I’d missed and I just want to say two things : wasn’t the Spacex/NASA launch amazing and Carol Baskin killed her husband.

Categories
entertainment fiction humor Lifestyle

April 24,2020


Friday Fictioneers

http://rochellewisoff.com/2020/04/22/24-april-2020/

Categories
fiction short story

Dark Corner Road


… and that is how Dark Corner Road got its name.

The brunette sitting cross-legged in the middle of the group paused for dramatic effect at the end of the story before she added …..” You girls up for a road trip? “Or are all of you too scared, “the girl laughed and threw her perfect hair back, theatrically running her hand across her throat in a cutting motion.

The blonde one named Neely sat directly in front of the fireplace stonily said “I’m sure that is a true story alright -just like its true that Kalina is really a virgin, and we all know the likelihood of that.” The other girls burst out laughing but it was nervous laughter. Alone in a cabin for a night with a ghost lady roaming the wilderness ? It seemed a bit too much for a sorority pledge they all thought, but wouldn’t dare say.

“That’s not how it got its name anyway.”

The girls stopped bickering long enough to look up. The girl who spoke looked back down. “Never mind, it doesn’t matter.”

Jillian snorted “oh really, well, how do you know? Did your psychic tell you or maybe the ghost of your dead relatives who gave you the 411 on whose haunting who, where and why. I forgot you are the real expert. Do tell. “

“Jillian, stop being a bitch and tell the rest of the story. What happened to the children that saw the lady in white? Did they know she was a ghost? You know what I’m talking about -you left the important stuff out and I think we all know why. You are the one that’s scared. Loser,” Kalina mouthed with a letter L on her forehead. Jillian paused for a minute longer and sighed.

“Scared of what? The lady in white who knocks on the doors of the poor and unsuspecting campers staying in remote cabins looking for her lover ? Her lover who killed her family and then her before disappearing ? Now she wanders the countryside dressed in the white gown they buried her in, seeking revenge, so she can rest in peace and until she finds the man who framed her, who forced her to confess in that cryptic letter – a letter that mysteriously survived the horrible fire that destroyed her family’s ranch and the family who were trapped inside.-she never will. Legend has it that If she knocks on your door and you answer, your death will be painless. If you ignore her, then you and whoever else refuses to hear her pleas, will all disappear leaving no trace of your existence -only a letter confessing to the murders of the people she killed before you — signed in your name, by you. Then you spend eternity searching for the real killer before your soul can rest in peace.

      “Is that better? What do you think of that version ?” Jillian scoffed.

“Bitch! That’s not funny ! Especially with what has happened to Kalina’s aunt and her kids !”

Jillian got quiet for a moment then softly said “I’m sorry Kalina, that was out of line. I know it’s not easy listening to the crazy rumors going around town if It makes it any better, no one who’s anyone believes them.”

“Thanks, Jillian, I appreciate you saying that. Even if it’s a lie. Now finish the story !”

” So where were we? The lady in white wasn’t alive alright, but she wasn’t dead either. “

” What was she then ? C’mon Jillian, I’m getting too drunk to function much longer so let’s hear it.”

Jillan paused for a minute longer and sighed. With a pained expression on her face she said in her snarky tone “where were we ? Oh yes, the lady in white wasn’t alive, but she wasn’t dead either but who said anything about her being a ghost ? Oh she was FAR from human but a ghost she was not.

“What was she ? A vampire ?”

“I want to suck your blood Kalina or …”

Kalina shuddered and let out a gasp. “ A vampire ? And she made little vampires out of the children and now they roam the countryside like the cute precious adorable children that they are, lost and trying to find their home ….when you take them in, what happens but suddenly you are seized -when the others come, they all attack you at once. A feeding frenzy of pint sized bloodsuckers.”

The” two other girls who remained silent just stared in horror at Kalina’s add-on to the story but Jillian burst out laughing instead.” No dumb ass ! Nice try but no vampires here either but you really have a knack for freaking people the fuck out with your bullshit. At least this time it’s not your clothes that are reek.”

Neely hastily stood up, knocking the end table between her and Jillian over in the process. Her eyes flashed angrily. “You are such a cunt ! Why don’t you either shut the fuck up or tell the rest of the story ! Without being a horrid twat to whoever talks to you.”

Jillian, too stunned to speak, fell silent then skid ‘K so one night As the sound of the church bells rang 12 times the children had gathered together, and then they went to the ship hovering over the town.”

“That ending was lame as shit !”

“You know what else is lame as shit ? Your pants Neely, your whole outfit screams what da fuck ?”

Dead silence followed her unusual outburst then the loud distinct sound of shattered glass. A window to be exact. Rushing in was the cold north air that accompanies winter weather in the upper peninsula. The girls’ teeth all seemed to chatter in unison as the howl of the wind grew louder and louder until just as quickly as it started, it stopped. Dead calm again.

The chime of the doorbell startled them once again but no one mad a move to even look to see who it was.

BAM! BAM ! BAM ! Now someone was banging on the door, then on the frosted glass.

And again no one spoke at the knock on the door, they all just jumped and huddled together, shaking as a group.

After a few minutes, Kalina whispered “Jillian ! Did the children find you ? Should we let them take you to their leader ?”

Neely rose as if to answer the door when a horrified Jillian intercepted her .”You know that’s a story right ? Just a story. I made it up as I told it. Stop being ridiculous because it isn’t even real.” And that’s when the last candle blew out and with it, the existence of the four girls from Waverley Hall. They were never seen again.”

The tall lanky brunette bowed her head solemnly as if to cue the lights on slowly to reveal that she was the only one remaining. The applause was instant and enthusiastic. Still blushing, Sabrina left the stage and ran backstage to the other performers who were chattering excitedly and congratulating themselves.

““Very good, ladies. Nicely done. I think our audience enjoyed the escape from our dismal reality here in Basswood townfolk even if the escape was in the form of a macabre story of missing girls… Girls your age,” he bald headmaster shuddered before clasping his hands ..

The girls hurriedly rushed back to their seats in the designated section.

“Let us pray.”

Sabrina groaned at the words but dutifully shrank to her knees with the others in her pew.

“Our father who art in heaven Hallowed be thy name …

Then a loud echoing voice hissed kingdom come, will be done,”, causing Sabrina’s eyes to flash open at the familiar voice.“”Blake, what the fuck are you doing here ? You are supposed to be in rehab””

“Had to see you one last time. You shouldn’t have gotten all dolled up for little old me he added but I’m not sure that tight skirt is very godly. I should say looking at you in it doesn’t make me feel very godly.”

Sabrina felt her cheeks go hot but ignored his comment and  took her seat as the prayer ended. Blake slid in next to her like the snake he was, she thought. She tried not to show her disgust as he draped his arm possessively over her shoulder and pulled her even closer to him. Wincing, she angrily whispered in protest what the fuck Blake.“

As the assembly ended and the students started pouring out of the auditorium, Blake guided Sabrina toward the open doors.. Just walk and look normal. .things have changed a bit.”. Sabrina mutely agreed because the cold hard metal of a gun pressing into the small of her back made it hard to do otherwise.

“Just so you know, I fucking hate you,”, he said with a smile.

      Blake led her through the parking lot to a Mercedes Maybach S650 Cabriolet parked obnoxiously in the ‘take up three spaces “kind of way .. Way to hide in plain sight, Blake. . You never disappoint, do you ? Except in bed Sabrina coldly added. “If I remember anything about you at all, I remember- that -you couldn’t- get- it -up most of the time. “

Blake opened the car door and pushed her inside “Must have been something you did or didn’t do, darling dear. None of my other lovers have had that complaint. Including your mother.”

“You bastard,” she spat angrily as Blake climbed in the driver’s seat.

“Shush, kitten. Calm down and read this. We are running out of time.’ lake sighed.” “I should say , you are running out of time and thrust a piece of paper into her lap. “Now be a good girl and read it aloud then tell me what you think.”

Sabrina glared at him and grabbed the note.” Fine. Looking at the envelope , she laughed as she said ” Some kind of joke , Blake ? Is that what this is ?”

     TO whomever the unlucky bastard is that finds this .

“Just read the fucking letter Sabrina ,”Blake ordered.

It never occurred to me that I might get my wish of never growing old. Never crossed my mind that it  might be an untimely mistake that caused me to die young. That a fluke , wrinkle in the fabric of fate could be the catalyst that took my life and those of the people I loved the most. It never occurred to me that I might not get a choice in the matter  because someone else would make it for me. I wish it didn’t have to be this way but someone had to do it. I guess that person has to be me.

 Sabrina 

 Sabrina paused for a minute then flatly stated. “ A little bit dramatic, even for you.”

“Pretty good, hmm ? I thought you’d like it. That’ll leave them guessing. Now before you start with the acclamation  of “Oh Blake, you are so clever, he mocked, we have to work out some details. What date do you want to put, Sabrina ? “

Sabrina looked confused at the question at first but when Blake’s sarcastic laugh didn’t follow, the look turned to concern 

“Date ? For what ?”

“Well my darling dear, I thought you’d never ask. A date of huge significance of course. Can you guess ? The date Sabrina Lecuere dies.“

6 years later...

“ And that’s how Dark Corner Road got its name.

“Bullshit Clary. I call bullshit. You made that story up,“the girl named Lara laughed throwing her pillow at her.

A loud knock at the door startled the two girls who looked at each other nervously.

“Did you invite anyone ?”

“No, did you ?” 

“Clary, I hope you put the blood of the seventh virgin on the doorpost so the lady in white will pass us by, ‘ a voice said jokingly from the kitchen.

W1hen no one answered, she called back “ I was only kidding. Chill the fuck out. Losers !”

Still, no sound but the wind rushing through the open windows blowing the cold north wind through the house and rattling the door frame. 

‘‘Jesus Christ, Lily said to herself. It’s just the wind. Don’t be a pussy and go look for yourself.’’

Lily entered the living room. The empty living room. 

To this day, no trace of her  or her friends was ever found in the house or the surrounding woods. In fact, no trace of them was ever found anywhere at all. Only a cryptic letter remained in an otherwise  burned out house.

 The End

Categories
entertainment fiction humor short story

NYE


Today’s forecast is brought to you by ”Chips Fine Foods” who want to be your first choice for gourmet cuisine ”.

“What do you have for our weather, John? I hope not more of the same because frankly, it has sucked .”

“I hear you, Jim! And fingers crossed it’s going to be a beautiful next few days with sunny skies, light southerly winds and –
-wait for it – because this is exciting, – plenty of oxygen with a low chance of dying by alien attacks. John, that is exciting! I don’t know how you do it but that’s an outstanding weather outlook for our viewers. “. “Everyone watching at home, let’s give a shout out to John for the great news!


Channel 6 is experiencing technical difficulties at the moment but will be right back as soon as possible.





“Janice? Are you watching the news? That weatherman with the fabulous hair and glowing skin was giving the most pleasant conditions you could ever imagine and then poof – I kid you not – he disappeared! Yes! I saw it too! Just a puff of smoke before he vanished..actually, it did seem his forecast is wrong now that you mention it .”


“What? I hope not. We can’t lose anymore weatherman, that would be our 5th one this year. Yes, I agree with you, haha but it’s something that you would have been used to doing the weather forecast, it just boggles my mind how much they can be wrong and get away with it. Can you imagine how long I would’ve gotten away with being right only 45 percent of the time? Yes, I agree that humans have too many fingers and toes and they don’t need all of them but you try telling them that. “


“Hello? Dan, here returning your call. I am sorry to hear that you were abducted by aliens but you still are expected to be here on time for work tonight. That’s not an excused absence- I have a business to run and if I let you miss a day for that, I’d have to let everyone do it. I have no doubt you will figure out how to handle the situation and I’ll see you tonight with bells on. “


“Dad? I guess you got the message that I got sent to the principal’s office and.. you didn’t? Oh well, it’s not really a big deal and I’m really calling to tell you that I’m not going back to school this morning. Why? Well, it’s the weirdest thing. I’ve been abducted by aliens. Dad. I know you said I would be grounded for eternity if I made up another abduction to skip chores but I’m not lying about it. It’s for real this time and it’s looking like I am not doing chores for a very long time.”


“Yes, has my husband been in the office today? He’s not answering my calls. No, I’m not going to call the motel and see if he’s there. I already drove by and his truck wasn’t in the parking lot. Actually, no vehicles were there now that I think about it .”


“Karen, are we still on for the party tonight at the club? Oh ok, well, don’t breathe too deeply honey and I’m sure you will be fine. Yes, I suppose you need to stay inside and rest if you’re already wheezing. Too bad you are going to miss out on the hot guy I wanted to introduce to you too. He’s not a space cadet loser like we’re used to eating .”


“911. What’s your emergency? “

“Yes. I’m not sure. “

“Ma’am is there something wrong?“

“Well, there’s a lot wrong but I’m not sure where to start .”

“Ma’am, do you need an ambulance or something? Are you bleeding to death? On fire? Spontaneously combusting or about to? “


“Can’t you hear that? “


“Ma’am, please state your emergency.? “


“Well there is, I know it sounds crazy but there’s a spaceship above my house. “


“Ma’am, you’ll have to call the “not a real emergency number “for all and any other problems that human society considers life-threatening except for the three previously stated. All planetary issues including atmospheric conditions, oxygen suffocation and hydrocephalus caused by parasites or other organisms as well as alien abductions – they are handled by another department. “


“… I can send you an informative pamphlet that will help you figure out if you have an actual emergency or are just wasting our time .”


Now back to the guys who know it all (except for the weather )…..


” Good evening, Jim. It’s a glorious oxygen-depleted day outside with high levels of hydrogen, little to no carbon dioxide…
and unless you are one of the few hundred people who have been beamed up by Scotty or one of the sensitive ones who need the atmosphere of a habitable planet,
It looks to be a great night to ring in the new year. Do you have any big plans, Jim?”
Yes, but it’s up in the air at the moment John so let’s check in with Sam who is keeping an eye on the skies as this evening gets started.”

Greetings to my friends and family from Eye in the Sky Live and it’s also the last time you’ll see me this year if you didn’t know that already. Traffic is light this evening and I’m going to guess that most people are staying home tonight due to the weather .”

”Gladys, are you watching the news by any chance? Well, I see. Sorry to hear about your herd of cows but this is the end of the world as we know it. Oh no, you didn’t mention that Fred was also taken by the same ship – are you sad about the cows or sad that Fred was abducted?
I would definitely agree that the cows were more than adorable Yes, I totally agree that Fred was a jerk…

It’s time to count down to the new year … and alien with the new out with the ol …Oklahoma sky ..”


”Is someone going to tell him those aren’t the right words to the song, noooooo?
Oh no , I’m, signing off.”  

The End 

  
 

Categories
fiction short story

The Sweepstakes


Clean it up , buttercup

I’m an angry cleaner and I always have been. My great grandmother knew it before I did. She said that if you married a woman who cleaned when she was angry then you better not give her a real serious reason to be angry, because she wouldn’t leave any evidence and she’d be ready for visitors – to pay their respect during the mourning period.

Then she cackled and told me my great grandpa had gotten the nurse pregnant and wanted her to raise the baby . She also told me how sorry she was that I had cancer and congratulated me on my marriage to Bob Barker from the game show , “ The Price is Right”.

The only thing she was right about was the cleaning when angry part . 

This was a lot to take in when you were 12 years old but I really wanted to see how I fast I could clean my room during a temper tantrum. Maybe I could set a record or something.

The front porch was swept up in a flash and the spotless floor had no idea how much I wanted to do it again .

Categories
fiction Lifestyle

Friday Fictioneers: The Locked Box


Categories
fiction

The DEADline


From the directors of The Ring comes a horrifying sequel that is sure to be write up your alley …
Categories
Lifestyle

Basic Af Remodeling Tips


Because to love is divine but to forgive your spouses bad taste in home decor is saintly .

Categories
fiction

Friday Fictioneers 8/9/19


Categories
Lifestyle

Why you gotta be so mean ?


Categories
Lifestyle

The Book Deal


PHOTO PROMPT © Roger Bultot

”This can’t be it! You should’ve called first and made an appointment.That’s how these things are done. You don’t listen to me, Herbert! This doesn’t look anything like a rare book shop!

…minivans in front of obscure collectors place of business?

…I’m not saying soccer moms can’t read but …

This is the last time I’m trusting you, Herbert! This book is too valuable to go to just anyone. This is my life’s work! ”

You’re right about that one, Ms. Snow. It is the last time you’ll trust me.”

And with that one remark, Herbert removed the book from her suddenly limp hands.

http://rochellewisoff.com/2019/05/01/3-may-2019/

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Categories
Lifestyle

Friday Fictioneers 4/12/19


Photo prompt @ Roger Bultot

”And that’s the house I grew up in. ”

“That’s Grandma’s house? No way .”

“Yes. I spent many happy minutes on the porch with Grandma watching the inquisition from here . What memories…”

“Well , it’s time to get back to our world . You remember where you drew the portal , don’t you?”

The woman with the long blonde hair was jolted out of her reverie by the loud sound of hoofs shaking the grounds around you them. The Holy Roman Empire!

The little girl was dancing around pretending to be a fairy . “Now that’s what I’m talking about! Horsies! ”

“Gwyneth , what have you done ? ”

Join the fun!

Friday fictioneers is a weekly challenge set by Rochelle Wisoff Fields to write a 100-word story in response to a photo prompt. You can find other stories here.

Categories
Lifestyle

Makeup or Breakup : Stila Stay All Day Liquid Lipstick


This week I’m trying something new and different from my usual, useless rambling. I’m calling it “Makeup or Break -up ” and you guessed it – I’m going to review makeup. I’m a little bit of a cosmetic fangirl, so I’m wondering why I didn’t do this sooner.

I’ve been looking for the perfect red lipstick. A universally flattering red that stays put with great pigment payoff as well.

This week I tried Stila Stay All Day liquid lipstick in Beso.

I did my homework before buying so I’m expecting great things from this product.

I doubted anything made by Stila in a shiny gold box could be anything but perfect. The packaging was gorgeous, so it has to be. What can I say about this shade beside it’s freakin beautiful? The color is fabulous, glorious and just perfect. It felt more like a lip balm going than a stain. I had no doubts that I was going to be a fan. Had I found the holy grail?

Disclaimer: I was not obligated to love this product as I paid for this out of my own pocket, and I have not been compensated for it in any way by anyone. So ,I am completely unbiased in my review.

On first application, I have to say that while I loved the feel of this product. However, the texture seemed a bit oily, and it also took a long time to dry. Maybe I’m just impatient. I wondered how well it would stay put. Another impression is the lovely, almost powdery scent this lipstick has without a discernible petroleum smell and taste. The pigmentation is pretty much like heaven if heaven was red . The applicator wand is easy to use and applies color evenly.

The lipstick itself is sleek, stylish and perfectly designed to stick in your bag or even pocket for touch-ups. Since I’m a natural skeptic , I throw it in my purse . You shouldn’t need to reapply, at least for 12 hours.

Time to hit the streets.

What better place than Las Vegas to try this beautiful showstopping glam red lipstick? So I hit Fremont Street downtown and started drinking- so that you don’t have to.

This is what’s called a field study for the greater good of women everywhere- you’re welcome.

A night drinking would determine if this was worth $ 22.

After a few beers, I have to say it still had a nice feel and my lips didn’t feel dry, or cakey like they did after using most drugstore brands. One plus is that it feels more moisturizing than others I’ve used -even without a topcoat. I hate having to add the clear gloss that usually comes with the long-lasting formulas.

So after 3 hours, I ask my husband to evaluate my lip condition, and his report was “the only thing on my lips was the frozen orange daiquiri I’d been sipping on.”

So the first test was a bomb. Where was my lipstick? It would appear to have vanished. I put it down to operator error. I’d try again tomorrow.

The next day, I prepped more thoroughly. I scrubbed my lips to rid them of any other makeup residue that might impact the longevity of Stila staying all day. I let the first layer dry and added a second. It didn’t come off on my finger so I thought I’d nailed it. Ha. It came off on an Ace while at the Ultimate Hold’em table. Security came, thinking I had marked my cards ( like I’m that smart). Luckily the dealer saw Beso on my hand, and the red smears by my lips proved that Stila was All Day Nay. The pit boss told me to wash my hands. Another fail for Stila.

I’ve read other reviews, and it seems I’m alone in not loving this product. Third time is a charm. I’ll try again.

After returning home, I have an epiphany after careful consideration. This is to take a cotton ball dipped in toner and wipe off any excess makeup from my lips before applying Stila Stay All Day.

Bam! I think we have a winner. This makes all the difference from my friends. I still can’t say it lasted all day or night but like I said the color was to die for.

I’m giving this product a 3.5 out of 5 stars because it’s a little pricey at $22 and it doesn’t stay put as well as it promises. The shade of red is perfect, and it makes me feel like a movie star. Who doesn’t want that? I’ll try other shades in this formula, but I’m not entirely sold on it. I’m going to add that I’ve used less expensive brands that were comparable to this product. Next week , I’m going to see if all the hype about Fenty , Rihanna’s much celebrated brand , is true when I try out Stunna lip paint .

Please like my post and I’ll be your best friend.

Categories
Lifestyle

Own Your Vegas Vacation Like A Griswald


I feel like it’s time to do a trip /vacation guide or do’s and don’ts of traveling to Las Vegas.I’m writing this on the way to the airport. No, I’m not driving. It’s 5:49 am the central time in case you are nosy or just a troll. Instead of annoying my husband who doesn’t want to play trivia during the 2 and 1/2 hour drive to DFW airport, I’m going to impart my travel wisdom to you, my dear readers. Consider yourself warned.

My husband and I like to travel. We’ve been doing together it for 18 years, and little has changed in our routine. By that, I mean nothing has changed- at all. I have adapted to the “The rules of Mark,” however. I’m not sure he’s adjusted to me or is just too worn out by my antics that he’s oblivious. Here’s a little bit of our routine every time.

I love consistency, so I keep my end of the partnership of marriage like I always have. I start by overpacking I like to be prepared for everything. I also love to cause more drama by skirting the weight limit on checked luggage. Today I topped in at 38.5 lbs on a 40 lbs max weight . That is unless you don’t mind being charged overage fees. My husband kind of minds this –a lot. But I still had room for one more pair of shoes … there’s always next time.

Arrive at airport hours before takeoff. My husband used to be an aviation mechanic, so he has a laundry list of reasons to get there with plenty of time to spare.

Don’t forget to wear cute shoes with heels to the airport especially if you are a clutz like me. Who needs to faceplant at 5:03 am in the TSA line on the way to Vegas …oh right, I do!

Make sure to impulse buy before boarding and don’t check your purchase. A 16 oz bottle of expensive lotion will never be noticed so sneak it on. Who would care? You’d be surprised. Now because of you, the TSA agent is smelling like roses.

Make sure you lose your drivers license or let your passport expire before a trip. Guess what you won ?EXTRA SCREENING TIME. You’ll get friendly with security fast. And unless you’re an exhibitionist and like being fondled in front of strangers while sober, it might not be for you. I consider it practice for Bourbon Street or my next life as a Vegas stripper.

Once in the plane, find all small children and sit by them – on purpose. Trade seats with someone if you have to. No flight is complete without a demon toddler that scares even the children of the corn. Maybe the plane will be delayed by them flailing on the floor. If not, then enjoy your flight and relax.

Plan how to spend the money you are going to make in Vegas. Ha.

Or if you are like me, instead of small children, sit next to the guy who loves to talk. About himself. Nonstop. Once you open your mouth and establish eye contact, it’s over so remember that. If you think 3 hours isn’t long enough to know the person sitting next to you in an airplane, you my friends sadly are WRONG. Oddly enough I know everything but his name. Nice guy but even I am worn out by this one-sided conversation and begging to jump straight into the Grand Canyon with no parachute on.

When you finally made it to Vegas, and you’re ready to show Clark Griswald how it’s done, remember to follow my advice on these next things. I hope you were paying attention because you need those skills. Hopefully, you are done talking to strangers and ready to be antisocial. We’ll see.

We’ll try a quick test. Example one :

Do you know the kiosks at the mall? With the grabby hands’ pretty lady rubbing lotion on your arm like Hannibal Lector?

What do you do? If you answered “Run, Clarice, run” then that is correct. Before she puts it on the skin, keep walking. You don’t want to be buffaloed with no bills, do you? Timeshare people are the same as kiosk lady. Flattery, guess where you are from, and you have a new bestie. What’s the harm ? A few hours of listening to a sales pitch for show tickets or whatever you signed a deal with the devil for.Every Vegas trip we resolve not to do this. Every time we get suckered into it . Every time my husband almost buys a time share . If you are dying to see Celine Dion on her eternally sinking ship tour or Britney Spears’s circus act , there are easier ways to get tickets – like donating a kidney . Trust me on this .

Next , let’s talk about panhandlers/degenerate gamblers /con -men and scammers . I know that cute old woman who was kidnapped and stranded by her caregiver on the Vegas strip with no money or food or identification or medication for her enlarged heart murmur or failing kidneys has you in tears BUT put a bandaid on your bleeding heart . Now . You’re going to be living on the streets of Vegas if you listen to these types of sob stories . So walk fast , put your sunglasses on and if approached, speak in Russian or German or any language that can’t be understood .

Remember the nice airplane guy? Now imagine a million smelly ones.

All because you weren’t vigilant and unfriendly.

That’s really all I have right now I guess it all boils down to this. On vacation, channel your inner Regina and take no prisoners . A resting bitch face is always the best accessory Act like a boss, and you’ll be treated like one. You aren’t in Vegas to make friends. Or relatives. You don’t need another grandma. Or timeshare ocean front property in Colorado, Iowa or Kansas.

And you don’t need any expensive hand lotion.

Categories
Lifestyle

Friday Fictioneers 3/29/19


“This is it. The end of the line for you, Charlotte. Your kind isn’t needed anymore and this is proof. ”

“You can’t do this! You wouldn’t dare! I’ll call my cousin, and he’ll put an end to your yarn-spinning. I don’t believe you would be so brave in front of him !”

The hairy man kept talking  “… it’s mass production because they can outspin you. Plus, people hate spiders … hate them , hear me ?End of the story is this …Spiderman is not going to save you this time. And why ? I hear you ask ?”

“Because … That’s him on the rack, Charlotte .”

Categories
Lifestyle

The OtherShip


Friday Fictioneers 3/22/19

The blonde girl sitting next to me was getting impatient. A few more minutes passed before she spoke in a shaky voice.

“I don’t mean to question you, but something is off here. We’ve been up and down, around and around and in a circle more times than I can count and still I’m looking at the same landscape each time.”

“And that’s not all, I haven’t even mentioned the people who keep getting on and off … while we sit here.”

“The people who don’t look like our people. “

“I’m going to guess this isn’t our ship.”

“AM I RIGHT ? ”

Friday fictioneers is a weekly challenge set by Rochelle Wisoff Fields to write a 100-word story in response to a photo prompt. You can find other stories here.

You are invited to the Inlinkz link party!

Categories
fiction humor

History Live! Cake , mais non!


Overheard by Marie Antoinette’s ghost:

I said “No more cake in France – it’s banned , until I am cleared of that ridiculous statement. And for the last time, It’s gluten not glutton free. These French are off their heads !

Categories
Lifestyle

Pick up the almighty pen and focus on writing, damn it !


I feel like you need this post. I feel like I need this post. Maybe I just want to feel like I saved you, just like the guy in a Taylor Swift song. Whatever the reason, the fact remains the same : Friends don’t let friends write while distracted. Read on and if nothing else, humor me.

I am a distracted writer. It’s the reason I haven’t written lately. I’m so distracted by anything going on around me that I get absolutely nothing down on paper. The simple journey from my brain to the outside world is made into a death-spiraling vortex of nothingness because I get distracted. Then before I know it, it’s like I drank from the waters of the Lethe because I don’t remember what inspired me. Today ,I am changing that because I’m writing a post from start to finish without stopping. Just to let my number one enemy in being productive know that it’s over.I’ll call it the Kanye of writing. Here’s my do’s and don’ts to stop this madness and get to what you love -Writing.

We have all been there. No matter what your intentions were this morning or at midnight, remember that the road to hell was paved with good ones, too. Great thoughts are easily lost in space when you let yourself be interrupted by another person, place or thing. The following phrases are my mantra for these problems. I’d say they were tried and true but in all reality, I just thought of them.

Don’t be a Kanye and let Taylor finish. Don’t be a Taylor and let Kanye interrupt.
Above video clip : Taylor Swift playing the part of you ,the writer and Kanye West as the distraction or reason you can’t write.
Now how do you do this, you ask? It’s easy. Channel your inner Ozzy and shut yourself in the pantry -only do it intentionally. For you young ones out there, check the clip out below and you’ll get it, I promise. Actually the following may or may not contain the memorable scene as I got distracted while looking for it and this is a post about fighting writing distraction. In any case, the message is the same. Put your phone up. Put your dog up. Put your kids up. Put your husband up. Or put yourself up.  
Be an Ozzy and remember why you are in the pantry.

Don’t be a Sharon and let Ozzy out of the pantry.

Now, I admit the pantry might not be the best place to find solitude. I prefer my shut yourself walk-in closet, with its comforting plush carpet and racks of beautiful designer shoes and purses. What did you expect from me? Sorry, I let Kim Kardashian take over my thoughts for a second.
Photo by shattha pilabut on Pexels.com
The point is that you need solitude and that place can be anywhere you can find it. Next let’s address those two words that bring a shudder of knowing empathy and horror to writers everywhere, Writer’s Block. I’ve struggled with this mainly because I let myself. I thought I was supposed to have it. At least occasionally. So I invited it. Like Jonathan Harker walking into Dracula’s castle, I entered the portal to writer’s block freely and of my own will. I’m telling you that you don’t have to allow this bloodletting. So put the term writers’ block out of your mind by using whatever form of mental garlic that is effective for you. For me, it’s word prompts weekly writing challenges or even crossword puzzles. These instantly stimulate me, and I feel like I have become a better writer from them as well. Next, and an essential part of the process for me is to be constant and consistent in the writing process. This goes back to the distraction issue. Writing time is not the time to use new writing software or a program that you are just learning. If you are struggling, stick with one that you feel comfortable with or go back to what you started writing your blog posts on in the beginning. I started my blog over a year ago on my iPhone, and I’m finishing this post on it now. I’ll go back and edit on my laptop, but writing on my phone stops me from trying to edit as I write. What was that, you cry? You said to put your phone up. I meant you need to limit the distractions and focus. You get the gist so stop being so literal and listen to my last bit of basic af knowledge already. Sometimes the most crucial for me at least is to take a break from all things deemed social media every once and a while. I just did this, and it seems to have rejuvenated me. Hopefully, it lasts. If not, then I will retreat to my pantry/ closet with none to distract me, do some wordy things like prompts and challenges, and I almost forgot – take a favorite book with me. When all else fails, reading a favorite book is the cure for the non -writing blues.
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com
I love to hear from my readers. What are some of your go-to, favorite books? Leave them in the comments section below! If you couldn’t tell, one of mine is Bram Stoker’s Dracula. Until next time, thanks for reading and subscribing to my blog!
Categories
Lifestyle

Friday Fictioneers 2/15/19


“Don’t do it, Macy. You are so going to be sorry! Please !”

“Oh shut up Anna, Anna, Anna. Annoying Anna! Hahaha, you scared? ”

The tall girl was laughing so hard at the little one who was called Anna. The ugly tall one was laughing so hard that I didn’t bother.

“Wait. What? Just like that? You didn’t bother warning her ?”

“I felt so bad about it, but it was like karma or something.”

“Aren’t you a little bit afraid of her,” Anna whimpered.

“You know, now that’s she’s dead ”

I opened my mouth but was interrupted by the door slamming.

PHOTO PROMPT © J Hardy Carroll

PHOTO PROMPT © J Hardy Carroll

Categories
Lifestyle

Best Quotes in History


And today on Best Quotes in History , we feature Louis XIV and Kanye West. Sometimes it makes one long for the oubliette

”Has God forgotten everything I’ve done for him ?”

-Louis XIV

“Would you believe in what you believe in if you were the only one who believed it? ” –

Kanye West

Categories
Lifestyle

THE BIRDBOX HOROSCOPES


It’s been a long time since I’ve seen what the stars have in store for you. And it’ll probably be better that way. So kids, hoard the food, grab the hatchets, clickers in hand and of course, no peaking. The alignment of your stars works best when you practice safety first – then you can be truly blinded by the horoscope of February, the month of love. Cupid was busy for a few minutes after he suddenly ended his day the way it started.

Since we are sticking with a theme here- we know he stabbed himself over a hundred thousand times thus rendering him useless for a millennial generation.

Up first and ready for the day, our Aquarius didn’t get the memo about the first step in staying alive. Instead, he downloaded the band famous for the quip – sadly you don’t need this month’s horoscope. Or any. Ever again.

Pisces is after you, unlucky asinine bastardized demigod, and we hope that he at least can read the tea leaves and then some . This planet is really in trouble.

Gemini’s you need to come together soon and unite for the better of life and then you can throw a bipolar bar mitzvah right at the end.

Cancer is gradient and turning in -the extended black scary demon infested way that everyone knows are not our friends -way. Yes, I’m going to call it now. You’ll be the death of me.

Virgo was my pick to die off first thing. Happy to say that I was planning the wrong mass burial and it’s highflying for help for you haha…

Libra you seem to be the lucky winner of this prize package: self-inflicted death by anime. That’s all I got. Sorry, I couldn’t make it any clearer but we’re chearing you on!

The saturnine Sagittarius is clearly not to eat anything that is not vegan, soy – free, dairy -free, gluten -free and nitrogen -free.

Leo, I’m going to stop and let you know that the scary monsters are the new kings of the jungle.

Aries is born to fly. But don’t look.

Well, that’s all I know. If I left any signs out, the reason is you don’t exist.

Have a great flight and thanks for flying the toxic skies!

Categories
fiction humor

Marie Antoinette’s Foibles Ala Versailles: French Etiquette


Categories
Lifestyle

Proud Moments In American History


Nine years ago today in history:

Yo Taylor , I’m going to let you finish… ”

-Kanye West
Today in history,

”Yo, Donald, I’m going to let you finish ….”

-Nancy Pelosi

Yo Donald, I'm going to let you fiinish but first...

photo credit :AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite
Categories
Lifestyle

Paper Ducks


 Source: FFfAW Challenge – 201st

This week’s photo prompt is provided by H.R.R. Gorman. Thank you H.R.R.!

”Donald, come out. We know you are in here. We can help you but we need you to cooperate with us. We know you are scared but no one will hurt you. You can trust us. We are your friends. We only want to talk. ”

The tall man in charge was getting annoyed and I could sense that he was also afraid. Afraid of not finding Donald. I tried to hide my amusement at his obvious distress. It really wasn’t a funny situation.

The tall man kept looking anxiously for Donald to come out.

I jokingly stated that Donald was probably contemplating his surrender but the white flag was out of the question since he was out of toilet paper.

The tall man whose name was ironically George Smalley wasn’t amused and told me to shut up.

I silently turned the remote on and Donald the duck was suddenly spinning and quacking his way to end the hostage standoff on top of a Roomba.

“That is Donald? ”

”Duck, duck… Goose, ” I cheerfully called over my shoulder.

Story word count: 177

Categories
Lifestyle

The Cave


“I’m sorry but I’m not climbing that high. I’m staying here. I’m not risking no broken bones or nothing just because you dared me to.”

”Sam. Answer me when I’m talking to you.”

”Hey, I guess I am just wondering why we are following the others when you’re the boss.”

”Sam… Hey, it’s a bit early for that. I’m confused about… Ehh. Sam? you are sure screwy acting like you ain’t right in the head.”

”What’s got hold of you Sam?”

”Sam, where did you go? I can’t see you anymore. Are you there?”

Finally, Sam answered ”I’m headed back down the path to get some help. Stay put and I’ll be back .”

Like I could go nowhere Sam, I’m stuck in here and you know it .”

The redheaded girl yelled one more time “Sam! ” before she went silent at the sound of his footsteps walking away.

The next thing Tobi heard were men talking.

“Imagine being in there with this one! She’d never shut up.”

The deep voices then gave way to laughter, coming from outside of the cave. Tobi angrily said, “it ain’t funny, I’m stuck in the dark and I’m hungry and it’s cold and smelly and I hate you, damn it, Sam “.

”Be quiet and you’ll get yours, I promise. ”

More laughter.

The voice wasn’t familiar to her either but she was sure it wasn’t Sam…She was still screaming for him even while he was shoved inside the cave.

“Sam? ”

The knowing eyes glowed red.

Categories
fiction humor

Historical Horoscopes Of Versailles


I am going to try something new and exciting..at least for me. I love history and especially the French Revolution. Who doesn’t love cake and Marie Antoinette? I have to be the first to say that her hairstyles were to die for. So wouldn’t it be fun to guess what the horoscopes for the court and it’s glamorous entourage would say on a certain day? I have an idea what they should say so I hope you enjoy this.

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The setting for today’s horoscopes is France, more specifically Versailles. The year is 1770. Your future king is Louis XVI and your future queen is a charming and frivolous young woman who will later be affectionately called ”the Austrian woman. ” Her Christian name is Marie Antonia Josepha Johanna and her mother is the ruler of the Holy Roman Empire. AKA Marie Therese of the Hapsburg dynasty who is a big deal. So while the future Queen of France is clearly of a bloodline to be feared and revered, she is still a foreigner and the majority of this court resents this.

Now the little archduchess is married to the King of France’s grandson, Louis Auguste. But Austria and France are not really good friends. Actually, they are enemies. How does a marriage between the two come about, you ask? Even though the Empress of Austria has long been an enemy of France, she decides to overlook the fact that she hates the Sun King and his whole country-in the name of furthering Austria’s political power. And she hates England even more .Oh, and the little Archduchess is now called Marie Antoinette ( the French variation of Antonia ) and she is the Dauphine of France.

On this day in the worldly and wicked court of the most extravagant King Louis XV, the gossip is ”will she or won’t she ?” The ”she ” in question is your dainty princess and the question is whether or not she will address the most powerful person in court today -as it not only demanded by protocol but crucial for the Princess’s longevity. I should add that to the childish little Austrian who has a very impressive bloodline,been a student of Gluck, hosted Mozart (and a veritable list of powdered wig wearing bigwigs), this is simply déclassé. The future Queen is not having any of this – she refuses to acknowledge the person who would have been a good friend to have.

Sois proche de tes amis, et encore plus proche des tes ennemis.”

But I guess she will learn.

Who is this controversial figure ,you ask? We’ll find out in a few minutes. As for the other principal players in this game of royal roulette. Let me introduce the more famous ones.

img_2095First, we have the present and pompous King of France. Louis XV , he is a wily one that has the outward charm of a courtesan. However, the fact is he is a King and expects obedience. The king was born on September 5, 1638, which makes him a Virgo. This morning he read his horoscope and smiled:

“Today the sun shines on you with the whole court watching your every move. Take delight in the fact that you are going to find that your tirelessly affectionate persuasion –with a bite -will bear fruit. Patience is a virtue and it will be rewarded”.

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The next key components are Mesdames Tantes, The three aunts of the king are sweet and helpful to our future little queen…or are they? Sophie, Adelaide, Victoire are not reticent in the affairs of the court – the sisters are far from it. When they see an opportunity and of course they do -when young Antoinette voices her displeasure and disgust at the kings’ mistress, they snatch it. At last a chance for revenge in the form of the little Austrian puppet. Oh, by the way, I hear the spinsters are quite religious- so no guidance from the stars in sight.

The other Princes of the Blood Royal seem like the the polite and doting brother in laws to the innocent Dauphine, who thinks everyone loves her. Do they, though? The Duke D’Orleans seems kind enough to his “little sister” –in person. I guess that he thinks it is in her best interest to indulge her gambling and dancing proclivities. But that is another story.

I am thinking his horoscope was a little like this :

”The only thing standing in the way of the monarchy is a pile of sweetmeats. Be careful of your own greed when reaching for the top one or the whole plate will come crashing down around you.”

The poor Dauphin is next, he too has a penchant for sweetmeats and is painfully shy. Even though his birthday on August 23, 1754, which makes him a Leo -he is not in the least like a lion. Painfully shy and awkward, he prefers watches to people. I think the tick-tock of his beloved timepieces could be a warning of his future- on the chopping block.

img_2096-1Sadly, the future King mistook his horoscope written on a bit of parchment for a bib and wiped his face with it at breakfast. Luckily we bribed a servant to fetch it. I hear it said:

”Do your duty to secure the bloodline and provide an heir to the throne. Also, be firm and decisive when handling your young wife and find a way to reign in her frivolous spirit and love of frittering the country’s finances away. The future of the country depends on such .”

What a happy and glorious day at court it is today. Who is the striking and rather gauche beauty in the the the elaborate dress? She smirks at the whispering crowds. The people have gathered here in hope that they will be a part of the royal drama today. Because this woman is Madame DuBarry, the king’s mistress and the most powerful figure at the court of Versailles.She is no shrinking violet and doesn’t like to be snubbed, especially by a 14-year-old girl. The Dubarry is obviously a Leo, born on August 19, 1743, and she didn’t get to her position by being a doormat.Her forecast for today is:

“Persistence is key in all matters of love, politics, and society. Do not accept rivals who challenge your position. You must be vigilant or a change in your financial status may soon occur. Be aggressive in gaining the respect you deserve.”

I am hoping that the lovely girlish and sadly naive Dauphine hooses wisely. I have to admit that it doesn’t look like it today as she is not stepping forward to greet the DuBarry as she is called. Is this the first time in history that the royal mistress has dictated the rules? Let’s see what happens next. The Dauphine is pulled away by the king’s sisters just as his mistress approaches, whisking her away.

The shocked court will have to wait another time to witness this catty drama but will there be enough cake to eat ? Or did the future queen give it to the peasants?  Stay tuned and find out.

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I hope this was a good read and I would appreciate any and all feedback on it.

*Please note that I am not a historian and I hope you will be tolerant of any errors or omissions. This is a fictional piece and is not intended to be otherwise.

Categories
Lifestyle

History of the world


“I’m just wondering where the pirates are.”

An insider said “the Pope seemed like he was genuinely confused after Trump asked for Vatican intervention on the wall – and then we all laughed .”

Categories
Lifestyle

History Live !


King Henry the Eighth has become the victim of yet another Tinder date gone wrong .

“His sperm is dead, infection in leg has made him crazy in the head and Anne isn’t the first Bolyen he’s spread…”

 – some wench not named Mary

 

 

 

Categories
Lifestyle

Ad-VANTAGE


The instructions were clear and convincing her to accept the job was easy, except for the last sentence of the contract. Jump. She wondered what that meant. She swallowed her fear when the elevator stopped with a shuddering groan. They were suspended between floors with a gaping hole in the middle. The only way to get out was to… and eyeing the distance between her and her family, she silently finished the last part of the sentence.

Categories
fiction humor Lifestyle

Marie Antoinette’s Foibles ala Versailles :Introduction


A little history is in order for my latest dive into one of my favorite things in world. Someone once said to “write what you love ” and what I love is interesting women in history. I’m a little bit of a Marie Antoinette fangirl… so much that I am starting a sort of a modernized journal/court gossip column sorts from her viewpoint and others . Think of the modern Marie like a Katy Perry meets Chelsea Clinton . With the attitude of Cher in Clueless.

Categories
Lifestyle

Epic Mom Fails of History


Maybe we need more people who are not afraid to Walk Like An Egyptian…

Categories
fiction humor

Marie Antoinette’s Foibles a la Versailles: Introduction to Court


Next week…. I was informed that I cannot go into Paris yet . But I’m not allowed to complain, as it’s an honor to be introduced to the city and given the key by the Parisian Mayor himself. Whatever!

Previously on Real Housewives of Versailles, the newly minted Dauphine of France, Marie Antoinette, was making waves by throwing some serious shade at one lady who wasn’t putting up with that nonsense.

Last we heard, our little Austrian was about to make her mama proud by speaking to Madame Dubarry, the king’s mistress and most powerful woman in court. The whole court is betting it’s as dramatic as the events leading up to this unprecedented event. Gossip mongers hint that the French Dauphine had to be strongly encouraged to acknowledge King Louis XIV’s mistress. This is unheard of, making it very clear that Madame DuBarry rules at Versailles. What words will our beloved blunderbuss Marie A. bestow upon the favorite of the king?

 We don’t have to wait long for the “Made to Shop ” future queen of France, to toss the tea at her much older frenemy, the much more experienced and linguistically talented Madame Dubarry.

The court is live streaming from the Hall of Mirrors. Let’s catch up on the drama unfolding as we speak.

@versailles99…The Dauphine said hello or something like that and now everyone’s favorite cake loving Austrian, Maria Josepha Antonia or Marie Antoinette to the Frenchies is soo done by the look on her face. She’s not even trying to hide her distaste. But look at her fab hair! It has to be at least 3 feet high! What a great hairpiece! Is that a real bird in there?

I think I said something stupid like “wow, look at all the people here today! That woman looked at me like she was disappointed. I guess she was expecting a little more than that. ”

-Marie Antoinette, Dauphine and Future Queen and Daughter of the Holy Roman Empire itself 

@MsMarieAntoinette92…I’m glad I didn’t know that she was really expecting us to be friends now or maybe I would have been like I’m sorry. but you can’t sit with us. Like ever.”

@MsMarieAntoinette92…I can say that, amirite? I’m going to be a Queen, oui?

@mamatherese98 … I see that you are learning about etiquette and how to make friends at court even when you hate them! Look how well it’s worked for me.

@MadameDBarry: That’s right! Recognize the favorite of the king. That little twit can go back to Australia. Or Austria. Or Even better, Antartica.

Two gorgeous woman in bedroom Versailles and Baroque vintage style, ladies laying at beautiful and luxurious interior. Concept of rest and relax in luxury hotel

@secretlivesofversailles89… finally, we learned that the court is indeed crowded but what did I wear? What did she wear? What was on her head? Is that a bird? That silly Austrian is so fashionable! Not.
@MsMarieAntoinette92… you think we could get on with more pressing news like that headpiece I wore reaching 3 foot and housing a live bird inside! I’m sure I will be starting a trend with that!

@versailles99…So now that we know what to expect in the French court regarding the feud of the woman who acts like a Queen but is not feeling the love from the newcomer … a little foreigner who has bad hair and a stupid laugh. I heard that Marie Antoinette has been to the king himself crying over his displeasure and that he was considering breaking the alliance with Austria but needs the money. I’m told that he has never liked to confront problems but chooses to be charming while insisting that his orders will be obeyed.

A far cry from Mother Austria  aka Marie Therese who is known for a more hardcore approach to ruling and doesn’t believe in mincing words. Am I right in the assumption that this one disastrous alliance? The marriage of the two polar opposites can only mean one thing -that the British are laughing instead of crying in their tea right now.

Until next week, auvoir! I’m sure we haven’t heard the last of this dignified catfight …

Categories
Lifestyle

Starstruck


https://rochellewisoff.com/2018/12/12/14-december-2018/

“MARS! Stop laughing! Read this and tell me it’s not Helios! That cheater! I could have anyone with this geography! ” Gaia screamed and pointed to the computer screen.

For Sale By Cosmos :

Nice, bright, little star ideal for a solar system with 9 planets and no black holes. Gassy little gem has a steamy mix of helium,
carbon, nitrogen, hydrogen, and oxygen. Perfect for tiny space rocks without the hassle of a hypergiant. UV ray
‘s optional.

Gaia continued ” …Do you know what this means?”

Mars shook his head and sighing replied:” I’m afraid to ask .”

“Another ice age. That’s what. ”

dec14fridayfiction

Copyright: Douglas M. MacIlroy

Categories
fiction humor Lifestyle

Gooped


I love Gwyneth Paltrow.  After watching Emma , I felt like we were soul sisters. After watching her play Sylvia Plath in Sylvia , I knew we were.  I was legit fan girling over GP.

black haired woman singing

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I really didn’t care that she was a little ( ok ,a lot ) pretentious and said things that irritated some people. Ok … MOST people When you name your kids Apple and Moses, you can do whatever you want.

And she made divorce sound beautiful, perfect and not tragic – and not like divorce.

She called her and Chris Martin’s parting an “conscious uncoupling” … how absolutely gorgeous is that ?

Soooooo, evidently I’m a little bit of a hipster so I started reading about living clean and how GP changed her life with it.

Then I saw this .

attractive beautiful girl hipsterPhoto by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I was intrigued by the title of this book.

(Spoiler Alert : She’s lying)

It’s exhausting , cumbersome and inconvenient. And …… it’s s ridiculous. Why can’t I have a little sugar? What’s wrong with my my diet? It’s perfect! I don’t eat sugar , but I want candy !!! Unlike Marie Antoinette, let ME eat cake!

chocolate cake with white icing and strawberry on top with chocolate

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I quickly became addicted to the thought of eating “clean” . But just the thought.

Doing it was hard. It mean’t dedication. And only included only unprocessed, organic food . I won’t lie. At first , I hated it. By the third week, I was gleefully eating kelp noodles and wheat grass and drinking Mamma Chia.

girl holding yoghurt

Photo by Kaboompics .com on Pexels.com

I felt better. I lost weight. I stopped taking antidepressants.* I started exercises for lymphatic drainage , detox baths, doing cleanses, infrared sauna, hydrotherapy. Anything to clear those toxins out. Because they are everywhere !

board brown daylight destination

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Then I had a meltdown. Seriously.That’s me. A mess. Not even a hot one.  My mom even thought I was a little crazy. My friends avoided me .  I wasn’t much fun to anyone. All I wanted to talk about was how your diet can cure virtually every illness in the book.  Alkaline and anti -inflammatory foods became my sole topic of discussion.I didn’t leave the house. I just read about my toxic life. It only got worse. Turns out, I was only living a lie. Because then, Gwyneth announced that I had missed something.

This was worse than I had imagined . My yoni wasn’t even safe. Wait, my what ? Why does it need to be steamed? That doesn’t sound like something I would ever do. But then I read the article and it weirdly made sense. I thought to myself “where would you find a place that does this ?”

I didn’t need to worry , they were everywhere. Just like toxins. Lurking , waiting, stalking , just biding their time until your adrenals were burnt out and your precious lymphs were congested with poison.Then bam! You were fat, sick and miserable with only big Pharma as your friend.

Thankfully, I found a YouTube tutorial on how to do it yourself -WHAT ?!?!!

No, I haven’t done it.

I’m not crazy.

But then I saw the one on jade eggs.

For real.

OMFG …..I didn’t watch either of these because I can’t even follow the makeup tutorials. I mean I can’t even come close to contouring …how could I steam my own vagina or stick dino eggs up there?!???!I can’t even.

I needed a break. Something was amiss.

I needed psychological help. So did my family.

I’m going to have a drink and a cigarette like my queen Gwenyth does, ponder life and write poetry.No wonder I love her.

Celebrities… they are just like us !!!!!

*Do not follow my advice. NEVER do what I did.You should never stop taking medication abruptly and without medical advice.

Categories
entertainment

The Daily Whine


Celebrities , you gotta love them . So what is everyone crying about when Elon Musk and his GF Grimes decide to change their newborn’s name again. ? It took an Elongated 3 tries to say Ash or Kyle or Pokémon ..or whatever. I’ll call it a sweet baby potato because I still can’t pronounce it .

Categories
poetry

Next summer


The water pools under her dirty feet
Dark and clay-like they sink further into the murky deep
“Stick to me like glue , “she thinks
There’s always next summer to get you clean
The water swirls in her dirty sink
I’ve been washing these hands for years it seems
The cracks are trials of yet another week
But there’s always next summer to get you clean
The water ebbs at her bended knees
I’ve been waiting on them for decades in silent plea
So stiff and weary from years of no belief
There’s always next summer to get you clean
The water flows in the swollen creek
No boulders trapping it’s fast release
Just the sharp, jagged edges of it’s furious relief
And there is always next summer to get you clean
Categories
Lifestyle

Restless


Early on I didn’t believe
I couldn’t see
Just let the waves carry me


Before the fog rolled in
But after the frost
I let my sight out to seek


Searching upwards for the key
And there were none
Just black night I see


You had not surfaced
And I thought you slept
Do I have any plans for the week?


You liked to plan for your eternity
I have to have my sleep
I have to say that you can keep


My dangerous, carelessly gorgeous
love for you
declared on now stained diary sheets


pen and ink bled for all to see
That my life is weak
Was weak


But it’s me
who has non patiently waited
I like to plan for my eternity


Look up at the night
before you leave
And I’ll see you in the tear blotted ink

Categories
Lifestyle

Basic AF Writer’s Block


It happens to everyone. You hit a dead end on your already struggling road to writing martyrdom. There is no cure and there is no way through the concrete wall of no-words-ville . You have to suffer through it or sandblast your way out . How do you do that ? You force yourself to write crap. Remembering Rome wasnt built in a day and your novel obviously wasn’t built in a pandemic either . So lets get on to the bilious tripe you are going to spew in the name of getting you through the slump of dead thoughts. Or you can do what I’ve been doing to make it through this sad trial in life .

  • Make theme songs for the events in your everyday life
  • Reimagine the lyrics of a well known song to fit a certain event or person
  • Have golf practice in your living room
  • Try to come up with a weirder name than the baby of Elon Musk and Grimes
  • Work the equation for the above mentioned name
  • Practice the Carol Baskin dance
  • Make your dog look like Carol Baskin

Well that is all I’ve got for you today but I’ll be back tomorrow with more rules and pointers on living with the plague.